3.16.22
I love this particular poem in Papa’s book because it takes me back to a vivid memory from the 1st grade.
I was lying on the floor coloring a picture with crayons (I liked to color on the carpet because it looked softer on the paper than coloring on the desk). And all of a sudden I felt a rush of joy and happiness wash over me.
I distinctly remember looking up and seeing a translucent white wind-like spirit whirl past me and through the rows of desks and chairs. I looked around to see if any of my classmates saw what I was seeing, but everyone was minding their business coloring their pictures. I thought maybe I got lucky.
I remember coming home from school that day all excited telling my mom
that the Holy Spirit had come to my class today.
Thinking back on that memory, it’s fascinating to me how much my perception of God has changed over the years. Growing up Catholic, I believed God to be a man living in heaven, watching my every move. If I was good he’d send me to heaven. If I was bad, he’d sentence me to hell. And I loved Jesus more than anything so I really wanted to go to heaven.
But when I was 15, I discovered that I also liked girls and everything shattered. My fear of being bad and going to hell debilitated me. I prayed and prayed every night asking God to fix me so I could be good and go to heaven with him. I spent six years this way until I finally realized no matter how hard I prayed, I wasn’t going to change. The way I saw it, I had two options: die and accept my inescapable fate or start to question these beliefs.
It took 3 more years of stumbling in the dark, but I am relieved to say that my perception of God has returned to this wind-like spirit of my youth—the same essence I think my Papa is talking about in his poem: an invisible, yet noticeable, magical, and mysterious Spirit guiding us throughout this life experience.
I now see it in the wind, the sea, the plants, the animals, in you, and most importantly... in me. And all of this makes me laugh and feel that same sense of joy and happiness wash over me as it did when I was 7.
P.s. What is your perception of God? Where do you notice it the most? Feel free to reply directly to this email or share with everyone in the comments.
